Twisted Christmas

by James Christopher MongerHoliday-themed albums need to either be pretty good, horrifically terrible, or completely original to cause even the jolliest head to turn. Twisted Christmas, a ten-track collection of yuletide classics from the band that once writhed atop a convertible singing the song "Burn in Hell" near the end of Pee Wee's Big Adventure, manages to achieve all three. Twisted Sister was always a group that would occasionally transcend their hair metal image with some truly majestic and powerful rock & roll, so it comes as no surprise that they filter the beloved Christmas carol through the same makeup-smeared sieve that brought the world "I Wanna Rock," "Wake Up the Sleeping Giant," and "The Prize." In fact, "Oh Come All Ye Faithful" sounds so much like a reimagining of "We're Not Gonna Take It," the listener can't help but become outraged at all of the injustice in the world. "Deck the Halls" sounds like a Ramones tune, "I'll Be Home for Christmas," featuring guest vocalist Lita Ford, could have launched a thousand lighters at any stadium in the late '80s, and the absolutely embarrassing "Heavy Metal Christmas" ("12 silver crosses, 11 black mascaras, ten pairs of platforms, nine tattered T-shirts, eight pentagrams, seven leather jackets, six cans of hair spray, five skullhead rings, four quarts of Jack, three studded belts, two pairs of spandex pants, and a tattoo of Ozzy") is almost impossible to turn off without seeing it through to its loathsome but charming end.